So, i have loathed the fact that "skinny" jeans are all the rage from the moment I saw the Gap ad with Audrey Hepburn dancing around in her super-skinniness. Just what I need, I thought to myself, yet another fashion trend that celebrates those blessed few petite or long- legged thin girls. I have been watching from afar as more and more girls prance around in their skinny pants with their stylish knee-high boots over them or their flat shoes and long dress-like shirts looking like they just stepped out of the urban outfitters dressing room.
I have known from day 1 that I have absolutely no business wearing these jeans with my ghetto-booty and general big-ness throughout my entire body. Am i fat? Nope. Overweight? A little maybe but I think most would consider me normal. Can I ever find a pair of "designer" jeans that actually fit me? Not a chance. And we wonder why there are so many women out there with weight issues.
Today for some unknown reason, I decided it was time to try the skinny jeans on for size just to see if maybe i was being a little too hard on those trend-setting designer a-holes. Maybe they would actually flatter my curvy figure somehow. So, I hopped into the nearest clothier and set out to find my perfect pair of skinny jeans. Of course, as they are all the rage, I found them immediately and was pleased to actually see a size 10! For the first time in my life, I actually wish there was some creepy guy with a hidden camera in my dressing room because he would have been thoroughly entertained and ill from laughter watching me try to get these jeans on my body. Remember that Friends episode where Ross was wearing the leather pants and he couldn't get them back on after going to the bathroom? I kind of had the opposite problem trying to get them off. I knew immediately that they weren't going to work out when I noticed that my big-ass feet barely fit through the ankle holes. The next hint was when my calves barely fit through the thigh area. Had i paid a little closer attention to these clues, I may not have worked so hard to get them the rest of the way up; somehow making it about halfway up my butt when I finally gave in, defeated, and decided that I was 100% right all along and skinny jeans just aren't for girls like me.
At this point, the terror of all terrors ensued. I went to pull them off and made it down to just above my knee with only a minor struggle before everything came to a screeching halt. I pushed and pushed and pushed not making any progress trying to get them down below my knees so I figured my best bet would be to pull from the ankle the rest of the way. The problem was, with my big feet, I couldn't get a hold of enough fabric to pull with the right amount of force needed to pry the jeans off my seemingly-obese calves or elephantitis-ravaged feet. I tugged and tugged and nothing was budging. At this point I was starting to panic and kicked and jumped and shimmied every which way I could to try and dislodge the the damn things from my body. I started feeling like I was being squeezed to death by a boa constrictor or something...really, total panic in the dressing room. Somehow between the ankle pulling and being able to pinch just enough fabric around my knee area to make a little air-pocket, I was finally able to wriggle my way out of the denim death trap.
When I finally got them off me and back into my rather roomy, size 10 boot cut jeans, I started to become very curious about this mysterious size 10 woman that can fit into the size 10 skinny jeans. I am a perfect size 10...not just sometimes...almost always I fit into a size 10 and since the running, I can actually get into some size 8's. So, what does the size 10 woman look like that fits into the size 10 skinny jeans? Or, is it a well-known fact that you have to move up 4 sizes when you want to go skinny and I just didn't know? I need someone to enlighten me here because I am thoroughly confused.
Luckily, this little exercise today didn't make me feel bad about my body like it normally would, I just laughed at myself for even thinking it would work and day-dreamed about how delicious a big, fat, mint chocolate chip ice cream cone would taste right about then. Mmmm.
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