I hate you, Mozzie's!!!!

I'm staring at 4, count 'em, F-O-U-R mosquito bites I have received in the span of about 15 minutes sitting at my computer. I hate mosquito bites but getting a mosquito bite in my freakin' house really gets to me...feels so violating! Agh! That's something I miss about Denver...no bugs, at least not the bite-you-in-your-office kind. Is it me or does that mozzie to the left have genitalia?

Another thing that irritates me...little intsy, wintsy car accidents. So, this guy in front of this other guy slammed on his breaks today to pull into a $5 parking lot, probably so he could visit the whale shark death-trap at the aquarium. I'm so happy that he was able to find a cheap lot, I just wish he could've seen the lot a little sooner so he wouldn't have slammed his breaks causing the guy in front of me to slam his breaks causing me and my precious car to accidentally tappity-tap-tap his precious car. Dang! No damage to my car, minor damage to his but I assure you this episode will be a pain in my ass for much longer than necessary. Dang again!

On a positive note (because my glass is half awesome), the little bumper car game gave me an excellent excuse to come straight home and have a delicious beer. I need to calm my nerves, right? And now that I'm all intoxicated and feeling giddy, I shall share more positive happenings in my life....

Last week I volunteered at the USO at the Atlanta airport. It was both heartwarming and heartbreaking and I haven't wanted to give so many strange men a big hug in my entire life (sorry, hubs, but they needed one real bad...). The ones coming home were ecstatic and it was beautiful to watch the reunions...like the beginning of Love Actually on steroids. The ones leaving looked sad & weary. After seeing them I promised myself I would no longer bitch on Sunday nights about not wanting to go to work on Monday. I did a great job until Sunday night hit. And Dang again! These boys were headed back to loneliness, heat, fear, exhaustion, boredom and I was so sad to be the one walking them to their plane while the entire airport stood up and cheered. You think that Budweiser commercial during the Super Bowl made you tear up? Try being in the midst of all those emotions and seeing soldiers with tears streaming down their faces. Holy crap. Oh wait, I'm supposed to be talking about positive happenings....In all seriousness, volunteering at the USO was an amazing experience and I would love to do it again.

This weekend, my dad, sister and I traveled to the sprawling metropolis of Dunellon, FL. What's in Dunellon, you ask? 1) Grandparents...dad's parents to be exact. The grandma (we call her "Nana") a whopping 5'1", the grandpa (you guessed it..."Papa") a staggering 5'5". They are tiny. And adorable. And they have a blind Dotson named Dixie who also happens to be darn cute. 2) The most amazingly beautiful river I have ever seen in my life. Seriously. Everyone should go. The water is spring-fed and crystal clear...it looks like you're swimming in the Caribbean in some areas where the grass isn't growing on the bottom. You can see straight to the bottom even though it's 8-10 feet deep. It's called the Rainbow River if you want to check it out. I will post pics from the trip soon.

This week it's off to Austin for work & a quick visit with an old friend.

Enjoy these last weeks of the summer!

Alas...

The movie has been watched, the book has been read and I am having major Harry Potter withdrawals. Unfortunately, I cannot discuss my feelings on the book yet as my husband had to wait for me to finish before he could begin and I refuse to spoil anything for him. So, zipped lips and keyboard keys until he's finished. Lucky for us, he reads stupid-fast so we won't have to wait long. I won't discuss the film yet either except to say I thoroughly enjoyed it.

And now I will remove the annoying Harry Potter countdowns at the top of this blog. So sad.

I'm down, I've got the 411...

"...and you are not going out and getting jiggy with some boy, I don't care how dope his ride is. My momma didn't raise no foo'!"

10 points if you guess the movie.

Before you begin, please place the fleshy, movable, muscular organ, attached in most vertebrates to the floor of the mouth, otherwise known as the tongue, into the buccal aspect of the gum, otherwise known as the cheek.

And, begin!

So, you know you live in the hood when you go to your monthly neighborhood association meeting and are handed a copy of "Da Slang Thang", a dictionary of sorts translating local slang words so us non-ghettofied (is that pc?) folks can understand conversations we might overhear on the street. So that you can all be enlightened, I have chosen some of my favorites...

1) Big Pimpin' - a male who claims to have access to a lot of money and/or prostitutes

2) Celly - a cellular phone

3) Rollin' on Dubs - a car with chrome rims, specifically 20" or larger.

4) Floss - to show off and/or tease with material possessions, especially cars or jewelry. I'm actually really glad to know this one because I couldn't figure out why Fergie keeps singing "flossy, flossy"....NOW I get it. Thanks "Da Slang Thang"!

5) Murk - to kill someone; (2) to run or in the act of running away

6) Sizzurp - an alcoholic drink composed of vodka, a fruit drink high in glucose and cough syrup, preferably containing codeine

7) Wangsta - a wanna-be thug, imitation hustler or psuedo-gangster; (2) somebody who has been doing illegal activities for a long time but does not have any material possessions to show for it (cami question....what if you've been doing LEGAL activities for a long time, like work, and still have no material possessions to show for it? Does that make me a "worksta"?). Originated by Jungle who is Nas' brother; made popular by 50 (pronounced "Fiddy") Cent and is now understood nationally.

8) Hooptie/Squata - a vehicle, more often than not an older model vehicle that does not run very well. "Hooptie" is generally known nationally while "squata" is primarily used in the Northeast. Also formerly known as a hoodoo in South Texas.

I think this post is a great lead-in for an experience I had several weeks ago but never got around to posting about. And now, enjoy what I like to call "A Night on Lannon Avenue..." a.k.a. "Reason #947 Not to Smoke Crack":

5/9/07:
5:00am
Awaken by the soothing sounds of a crack lady-of-the-evening (would "whore" be considered more offensive than prostitute? Is there some ho-hierarchy that I'm not aware of?) screaming into our neighbors house that they need to go in the garage and have sex with her because she needed some change. She was specifically yelling at "Gerald" (names have been changed to protect the identity of our cracked-out neighbor) who apparently did have sex with her recently for $5 and whom, according to screaming ho, smelled like piss when they did it. The one-way(ish) conversation went something like this:

Ho: Gerald. Gerald, give me some change.
Ho: Gerald. Hey Gerald. GERALD!!!! Gerald, come "f" me in the garage so I can get some change.
Ho: Gerald, I'm gonna steal your bike if you don't come out here.
Ho: G-E-R-A-L-D!!!!!!
Gerald: "B"! Go home!
Ho: Come on Gerald.
Gerald: I don't want you. Go home!
Ho: Gerald, you owe me $5.
Gerald: "B"! Go home!
Ho: Gerald, if you call the cops I'll kill you.

And so on and so on...There was much screaming, demanding of cigarettes, life threats, etc. for about an hour when somehow she made her way into the house where she proceeded to lay down on the kitchen floor and refuse to leave. I finally made it back to sleep as they were still yelling at each other and I'm pretty sure "Gerald" was either physically pulling her or kicking her out of the house. All went silent around 6:30.

We're not in Snellville anymore folks.

Ohhhhhhh SNAP

Jeremy Enigk has a new album releasing August 21 called "The Missing Link". I've barely recovered from World Waits! Let's hope there is a tour. Let's hope that tour gets dirty and comes to Atlanta. Let's hope I'm freakin' in town this time. Eeek!

In the meantime, can we talk about the fact that I am about to explode with Harry Potter excitement? Movie! Book! And how could I have totally forgotten that Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix for the wii came out today...what?!?!? I'm going to swish-and-flick my butt all over our living room and blast Wizard Rock as loud as I can...oh, good times are about to be had.

Happy 4th to all...I will be joining 50,000 of my closest friends shuffling down Peachtree Street tomorrow. Then BBQ's, slip 'n slides, beers, pools, friends to follow.

Be safe.

R.I.P. Granddaddy

My grandfather passed away at the end of March and a couple weekends ago, the family headed down to Panama City to spread his ashes in the Gulf of Mexico, minutes from the condo where he and my grandmother have lived the last twenty-something years. I have never experienced an "ash-spreading" before so I wasn't sure what to expect. One of my grandmother's friends was gracious enough to take the entire family out on his boat (I don't know at what point you stop saying "boat" and start saying "yacht" but this thing was brand new and massive...two bedrooms!) so we could share the moment together and make an outing out of it. I thought we were going to go a couple miles out in the ocean but as soon as we left the marina and the bay heading into the gulf, we rounded the jetty's at St. Andrews state park into the most beautiful clear, aqua-blue water I have seen in PC in quite awhile. At once everyone on the boat decided we were at the perfect spot...I was glad we stayed so close in, close to his home, close to the places he's gone fishing, close to where his kids and grandkids played in the ocean. It was perfect. Words were spoken, tears fell then my uncle poured the ashes in the water and we all threw flowers. The water was so clear, you could see them float for a bit then sink into the water, the flowers following the cloud as it moved with the current. It was truly beautiful. You can actually see the shadow of the ashes on the bottom of the ocean if you look closely at the picture above...that was how clear the water was. Beautiful! So beautiful, in fact, we couldn't help but jump in and go for a swim. I would like to think Granddaddy was right there with us playing in the water and enjoying one last swim with his family. Perfect ending....

I won't go into the fact that the minutes after we jumped in the water, the ladder dropped off the boat because we drifted in too shallow and had to do a massive family ocean rescue just as a huge thunderstorm was blowing into the gulf...pandemonium! Just know we are all safe and I bet my granddad was laughing his ass off!

Lazy Post No. 2

I know it's totally lazy of me to post videos but, to be honest, not a lot is going on in my life right now...nothing particularly post-worthy at least. Lots going on, plenty busy but with those mundane day-to-day things and occasional good times sprinkled in. I'm sure I could talk those things up a bit and make my life sound like a party but why pretend? So, instead, a video of a truly remarkable little girl that brought tears to my eyes. Enjoy.

ps - try to ignore simon, the other judges, the audience and the cheesy music at the end. we're focusing on the singing only, ok?

Ah, a post!

I think these chicks are pretty funny. Check them out.

To Zach and Ann Lillie

Work work work work work work work work work. And then I work work work. Work.

But sometimes, I get to play with my dog (for you, Zach - he misses you and stick time)...



And tend to my modest-yet-bursting-with-potential garden (for Ann Lillie). Ladies and gentlemen...my ice plant -- ta da!

And, my pansies that have been looking beautiful since NOVEMBER. Booya!


My thumb is still flesh colored but in just the right light I think I can see some green!

After a 12-hour workday today and probably another four 12-hour workdays to finish out the week, a brief stint in Mexico (pronounced meh-hee-ko for my unilingual friends) next week, customer meetings the following week and then even more customer meetings the week after that, the posting might be few and far between for a bit.

However, soon Mr.Simmons will be leaving his lovely wife for 7 whole weeks so perhaps the pain and sorrow of his absence will inspire me to write through the tears and finally give some substance to this most superficial of non-celebrity gossip blogs. We'll see. Until then, enjoy this unbelievably pleasant weather that seems to have blanketed the east coast, play with your dog and plant some flowers. Life is good.

I said booya.

Liar, Liar

I know I am a little late catching this story and you'll rarely see or hear me express my political views (to be completely honest, i don't know that i understand my political views...something i struggle with and seek to define...) but this article has utterly infuriated me today. http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/04/24/tillman.hearing/index.html

I am not too naive to think that we aren't lied to on a daily basis from both political parties, the media, hell, even our employers and churches and schools. But rarely do these lies stare you straight in the face, out in the open. Most often we put our guards up and pile on the cynicism, knowing the lies are all around us but unsure of exactly what they are or how to locate them. This time, it's crystal clear: we were told one thing, actually two things, both of which were bold-faced lies. Not just exaggerations of the truth...lies. Will anyone be held accountable? I'd like to stand up in front of the world and tell everyone I am best buds with J.K. Rowling and we hang out eating ice cream and chatting about whether or not Hermione & Ron will make-out in the 7th book, but that would be a lie. To the world.

We were lied to about WMD, we have been lied to about progress in the "war" and now we have been lied to about how two of the most well-known soldiers were killed/"rescued". It makes me want to put my fingers in my ears and yell "blah blah blah".

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people complain, complain, complain without ever taking action or offering up solutions so I apologize for the rant.

Shut your mouth!

So there we were, in Panama City for my grandfather’s funeral, when I learned that my family not only reads my blog, but they also email excerpts of it to their friends and think I’m so stinking hilarious that my grandmother wants me to write her eulogy so everyone will laugh at her funeral. Sick? I’ll say. But do I eat up this kind of attention from my family, especially Momma Dot (aka - grandmother extraordinaire and my favorite person on earth)? Absolutely!

My biggest concern after making this discovery is that I may have unintentionally offended a beloved family member with my frequent use of the word “ass” (one of my favorites! I may dedicate an entire post to this most-awesome of words) and “damn” and my one-time mention of “balls”. Thank goodness I found out about their reading before, heaven forbid, I used “f” or “s”! I am in the camp that believes cussing in front of parents is extremely disrespectful, especially if they do not choose to cuss in front of you. I am still, at 27, fearful of my mom hanging me by my toenails for whatever reason so I figure I better not press my luck by running my mouth in front of her. To this day, I have only said “f” once in front of my mom and I can distinctly remember the conversation and the situation and was lucky it was over the phone so she couldn’t snatch me up right then and proceed with the hanging. As far as I can remember, I have never said “s” in front of them although I came very close while at the driving range one day with my dad.

So, I will continue to keep my blog PG (maybe PG-13 every once in a while if things get exciting) so my family will keep reading.

And, Momma Dot, if I were to write your eulogy, I would absolutely be sure to include the following:
- the time I stole your Nicorette gum and you about killed me for it
- Duke, Willie, Teenie & Weenie
- Warter
- Dot’s guide to poisoning your husband’s nurse
- High rollin’ Mexican Train gambling
- Aliens

I love you and thanks for reading!

Ein, zwei, drei...Frikadellen!

Saturday night fishbowls 'o beer, taut (and turgid?) sausages, fried cheese & pickles and rhubarb pie slices are delicious...especially when enjoyed with good friends in the sprawling metropolis of Stone Mountain Village, GA. If you're ever in Atlanta and looking for some yummy German cuisine, be sure to check out The Village Corner Tavern. Highlights included the biggest beer I have ever seen (the Berliner something-or-other), the most delicious of all the delicious roasted potatoes I've ever had in my life and wind-up hopping lederhosen available for purchase*. Good times were had by all and I was falling out of my chair with a third of my big ass beer left to drink...happy 27th Mandy!


* Copy on the back of the wind-up lederhosen box:
Lederhosen, which literally means "leather pants," are a traditional folk costume worn mostly in the mountainous regions of Bavaria and Austria. They are a happy sort of short trouser that love music and dance. So next time you have cause for celebration or revelry, wind up these 3", hard plastic folkpants and watch them hop about! After all, what good is a party without Lederhosen? I mean really, what is?

my big, BIG, big beer

chris enjoying his sausage

chris in a meat-coma before he even had the first bite!

mandy and her birthday cake

Have you seen this?

Thanks to my good friend, Perez, I found this little gem. I'm not even sure what to say about it accept that seeing Alanis shaking her ass right in the camera makes me laugh. I was really hoping she would act again after her stellar role as God in Dogma...this video goes to show that dreams really do come true. So today, let's not thank India or silence or disillusionment or clarity, let's say a big Thank U to Ms.Morissette and her lady lumps. Mmmm. *gag*

Dude....

Running a marathon is hard. I feel like I'm "listing" a lot lately but I'm just not in the mood to write long paragraphs about the "marathon experience". This list has no theme, it just is...

• The first mile of a marathon feels fantastic
• Port-o-potty's at 6:00am pre-marathon are foul
• For some reason, when running with my TNT buddies, things you would never hear me say in my everyday, non-running life like "you go girl!" or "you got it, girl" or "girl, you can do it!" come flying out of my mouth providing Charles plenty of lets-make-fun-of-cami fuel
• Just when you think you successfully lubed up everything on your body that could possibly chafe, you realize there were about 12 other places you should have hit when you jump in the shower post-race...ouch!
• You feel pretty silly when you are whining and begging your husband to stop running and then look over during mile 21 and see this guy jogging past you...
• Comment heard by my father-in-law as one tired guy crossed the finish: "When did the Rockies move to Atlanta?" If you didn't know or, more likely, didn't notice, Atlanta is HILLY. Just as I would finally breakthrough a particularly mental or physical block in the race, yet another hill would be around the next turn just daring me to keep running.
• Not to be rude, but people who yell "you're almost finished!" at mile nine should be shot.
• Again, not to be rude, but people who yell "this is the last big hill!" when there are actually 14 more, should also be shot.
• My husband is my hero and the only reason I finished the marathon. There were times during the course where he literally grabbed my hand and pulled me so I would keep running. He refused to let me give up and kept me going from about mile 14 on...I truly could not have done it without him. I didn't even know if he was in pain or being mentally challenged as well because he was too busy baby-sitting me to complain.
• There is an instant camaraderie among all the runners...especially toward the end of the race. You're all in the same boat, all trying to finish and if you can encourage someone that is looking particularly fatigued or discouraged you do it and what happens is you start listening to what you are saying to that person and start believing it yourself.
• I heard that you hit a wall at around mile 21 or 22...for some reason, my wall decided to plant itself right in the middle of mile 14 which just wasn't nice at all.
• One of the most ingenious elements of the ING marathon was that all of our first names were printed on our numbers so all along the course, people weren't just saying "You're looking good! Way to go!" they were saying "Great job, Cami! Looking strong, Charles!". It actually freaked me out a little at first but as I got used to it I was so thankful the spectators were taking the time to read the names and personally acknowledge us...it was really encouraging.
• Seeing your friends out on the course yelling for you makes you smile ear-to-ear, even if you are 18 miles in and wanting to die.
• The Finish Line was one of the most beautiful sights I have seen in a long time. We caught our first glimpse of it from about 50 yards away and for the first time in the race I knew I was actually going to finish. All of a sudden my legs felt fresh, I got a burst of energy and even had enough wits about me to grab Charles' hand and pose for the camera!
• I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, E-V-E-R run another marathon again. I did it once, I can say I ran one, I give all kinds of props to those people who choose to run multiple marathons (although they are obviously complete masochists and should consider therapy) but they just aren't for me. That said, I can definitely see myself running a half marathon every now and again.

Here are some pre, mid and post-race pics to prove we actually ran the thing. Thanks for all the support and patience during my many marathon-related posts!

Let the countdown begin...

I can't believe it's almost here. In less than one week Charles and I will begin our marathon and finally put an end to the months and months of training and waking up early and watching what we eat and drink on Friday nights. I am so anxious about the event I can't stand it! Am I going to finish? Am I going to get a cramp? Will i have to go to the bathroom? #1 or #2? Will I be able to walk the next day? Will Charles and I finish together? How many hills are there? Will there be a lot of Atlantans cheering us on along the way? Will i drink enough? Will i drink too much? Will I hit a wall at 14 miles or 24 miles?

If you happen to be in the ATL this weekend and see a bunch of people running around town, feel free to shout some words of encouragement to us! I'll be the one in the bright purple singlet with 150 or so of my closest friends. Not to mention, the other 14,850 people running along with us. I can guarantee you that somewhere along the course there will be beer-drinking, fried food and loud music to help pass the time...should be fun!

And, if you are looking for a little inspiration to start training for your first marathon, take a look below! The joy and pride and sense of accomplishment on our faces and in our body language will really motivate you begin your training regimen.

Wish us luck!

It's March Madness, Baby!

Over the past couple of years, I have really gotten into the excitement of March Madness. I can distinctly remember the first time I became totally engaged and hooked on the tournament...I was in a ski town in Colorado (Breck maybe?) at a restaurant with my Dad and one of the games was on TV. There was a long wait at the restaurant so we passed the time watching the game. Charles had filled out his bracket and I knew which teams he picked so automatically those were the teams I then rooted for. This one particular game playing at the restaurant was a nail-biter. Regulation went right up to the last second (as so many of the tournament games do) and then it was overtime. I think there were two or three overtime's in the game, all of which were back-and-forth and totally intense, before the game finally ended, again, at the last second. I was exhausted by the end of the game and taken by surprise at how much fun it was to watch and have a team to cheer for. I don't watch pro basketball and don't watch a second of college hoops prior to the tournament, but filling out that bracket thus knowing ahead of time which teams you want to win for 61 games all within the span of a couple of weeks, most of which are pure excitement, how can you not get wrapped up in it? Not to mention, it's great procrastination during work hours and good bonding time with the boss...so far I have him beat by one game. I go here a lot and refresh every couple of minutes during game time.

So, currently I sit 13-3 thanks to losses by George Washington, Duke and Gonzaga (I ALWAYS choose Gonzaga, Villanova and Xavier to make it through at least the first round because I like their names...). Here is my final four:

• Florida
• Kansas
• Texas
• Memphis

I have Florida and Memphis going to the National Championship and Florida taking home the title. Wish me luck!!!

Explosions in the Sky

Late, late, late, late, very very late Tuesday night, we were excited to see a fantastic show from that oh-so-lovely band from Texas, Explosions in the Sky. I will say, I was a bit skeptical as to how exciting and entertaining the show would actually be as Charles and I fall asleep to their music most nights. Seriously, everyone should try it out. If you don't already have it, put the Friday Night Lights soundtrack on your iPod and I dare you to try and make it through 5 songs as you're laying in bed at night. It is deliciously good sleep music. That said, you can imagine my concern about attending the show even after reading countless raving reviews about the quality of the live shows and hearing first-hand from a good friend that the show they attended a couple years ago was mind-blowing. In my head I was thinking, "Should I wear my jammies and bring a pillow and blanket?"

The first two bands I could've done without. It's always a nice surprise when you show up to see the headlining band and end up really enjoying the opening acts. P.O.S. comes to mind at the Minus the Bear show...also, The Ghost and Thursday totally schooled Rival Schools at a show at the Echo Lounge many many years ago. Alas, Tuesday night's opening acts were a bit disappointing for me. The first band was trying hard to sound like Explosions but failed miserably and instead had people scrunching their faces and covering their ears in agony. The guy used volume to build energy into each song to the point where your entire head was vibrating from this big loud noise. It was pretty bad. The second band was decent enough I guess but the lead singer annoyed the hell out of me for some reason. Not to mention, it was about 90 degrees with 107% humidity in the bar so listening to a really good band was almost unbearable. After about 2 songs from the second band, Wendy and I went outside to get some air.

The lateness (especially for a Tuesday night), the heat and the mediocre opening bands were worth the wait when EITS finally began their set. They have this fantastic ability to play really slow, swaying music just long enough that right when you are about to either fall asleep or become bored with the sound, they throw in the drums and guitar and bass and the audience goes crazy bopping up and down and shaking their heads. Then, just as you are about to lose your mind with the increasing intensity of the sound, they bring everything right back down again. It's really hard to decipher when one song ends and the next begins as they tend to play almost white-noise sounding music between the songs...it made me think of these in-between periods as palate cleansers because I think if they played back-to-back songs, everything would run together and might sound too much alike. The pauses kind of make you forget what you just heard so when they start a new song that has a lot of very similar sounds you don't get a sense of monotony. There was no encore and I think the audience was a little bummed about it but I was just fine as the heat was really stifling and uncomfortable. I left with a big smile on my face and I wasn't sleepy at all! Definitely check them out if they head to your city...also, check out the guitar player, he is beautiful. See below.

**Note: I just read my husband's blog and his account of the show. So interesting how we each describe what we saw. Clearly, he is the superior writer in the family and certainly gives a more in-depth description of the show experience. Read and enjoy.

Since my last post...in Numbers

• 28: thin mints consumed
• 3 (or 4?): ben & jerry's pints consumed
• -3 (or -4?): pounds lost (gained) due to aforementioned consumptions even though i'm running my ass off
• 250: women attended my Women's Leadership Conference workshop
• 3.5: hours spent at Mall of America
• 36: points purchased to ride on two MOA (that's what the cool kids call it) attractions...see pics below
• 337: dollars spent at H&M
• 20: miles run on a beautiful Saturday morning
• 1: wedding attended
• 2: wedding showers attended
• 500: Blockbuster employees attended my sampling event
• 4: feet of snow on my cousin-in-laws back porch
• 4.5: miles run in said snow & ice
• 32: times i almost cracked my head open on said ice
• 3: cities visited
• 2: delayed plane rides
• 27: age turned on 2/28
• 0: nights spent hanging out with friends
• 100: red tag points earned (it's a work reward system), getting me a few steps closer to the kate spade purse i've had my eye on
• 64-ish: total miles run

looking forward to a full week at home, a sleepy concert, low-mileage runs, st.patty's day with old friends and a lazy sunday book club day. i hope to come back to life this week. we'll see what happens.

less than two weeks!!!

The Skinny on Skinny Jeans

So, i have loathed the fact that "skinny" jeans are all the rage from the moment I saw the Gap ad with Audrey Hepburn dancing around in her super-skinniness. Just what I need, I thought to myself, yet another fashion trend that celebrates those blessed few petite or long- legged thin girls. I have been watching from afar as more and more girls prance around in their skinny pants with their stylish knee-high boots over them or their flat shoes and long dress-like shirts looking like they just stepped out of the urban outfitters dressing room.

I have known from day 1 that I have absolutely no business wearing these jeans with my ghetto-booty and general big-ness throughout my entire body. Am i fat? Nope. Overweight? A little maybe but I think most would consider me normal. Can I ever find a pair of "designer" jeans that actually fit me? Not a chance. And we wonder why there are so many women out there with weight issues.

Today for some unknown reason, I decided it was time to try the skinny jeans on for size just to see if maybe i was being a little too hard on those trend-setting designer a-holes. Maybe they would actually flatter my curvy figure somehow. So, I hopped into the nearest clothier and set out to find my perfect pair of skinny jeans. Of course, as they are all the rage, I found them immediately and was pleased to actually see a size 10! For the first time in my life, I actually wish there was some creepy guy with a hidden camera in my dressing room because he would have been thoroughly entertained and ill from laughter watching me try to get these jeans on my body. Remember that Friends episode where Ross was wearing the leather pants and he couldn't get them back on after going to the bathroom? I kind of had the opposite problem trying to get them off. I knew immediately that they weren't going to work out when I noticed that my big-ass feet barely fit through the ankle holes. The next hint was when my calves barely fit through the thigh area. Had i paid a little closer attention to these clues, I may not have worked so hard to get them the rest of the way up; somehow making it about halfway up my butt when I finally gave in, defeated, and decided that I was 100% right all along and skinny jeans just aren't for girls like me.

At this point, the terror of all terrors ensued. I went to pull them off and made it down to just above my knee with only a minor struggle before everything came to a screeching halt. I pushed and pushed and pushed not making any progress trying to get them down below my knees so I figured my best bet would be to pull from the ankle the rest of the way. The problem was, with my big feet, I couldn't get a hold of enough fabric to pull with the right amount of force needed to pry the jeans off my seemingly-obese calves or elephantitis-ravaged feet. I tugged and tugged and nothing was budging. At this point I was starting to panic and kicked and jumped and shimmied every which way I could to try and dislodge the the damn things from my body. I started feeling like I was being squeezed to death by a boa constrictor or something...really, total panic in the dressing room. Somehow between the ankle pulling and being able to pinch just enough fabric around my knee area to make a little air-pocket, I was finally able to wriggle my way out of the denim death trap.

When I finally got them off me and back into my rather roomy, size 10 boot cut jeans, I started to become very curious about this mysterious size 10 woman that can fit into the size 10 skinny jeans. I am a perfect size 10...not just sometimes...almost always I fit into a size 10 and since the running, I can actually get into some size 8's. So, what does the size 10 woman look like that fits into the size 10 skinny jeans? Or, is it a well-known fact that you have to move up 4 sizes when you want to go skinny and I just didn't know? I need someone to enlighten me here because I am thoroughly confused.

Luckily, this little exercise today didn't make me feel bad about my body like it normally would, I just laughed at myself for even thinking it would work and day-dreamed about how delicious a big, fat, mint chocolate chip ice cream cone would taste right about then. Mmmm.

Reason #976 why I have no business in the kitchen...

I don't know how to re-heat pizza. We're not even talking cook here, just re-heat. Who needs a house anyway, I'm sure we have that fancy fire insurance I've heard so much about.


ps - yes, that is absolutely a bite taken off the end. don't think for a second that just because i charred this poor little slice to oblivion, i wasn't going to eat it...

When cute attacks....